Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
the Monday after daylight savings
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.