today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number