So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
The biggest mystery of our time
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in