The “research” scene in every horror movie
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
synchronized noseblowing
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
#parenting