Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬