Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
want me to check your oil?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that