Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?