What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
want me to check your oil?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?