I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My Guy
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Alexa: *deep breath*
#milo
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.