Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
we did it you guys we saved daylight
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
This made me chuckle cuz mood
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
