Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel