mechanics be like
Lol #dogsoftwitter
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
How to properly lift a body
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I wanna be friends with this person
