We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Apparently I鈥檝e reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it鈥檚 a bird! it鈥檚 a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That鈥檚 it.
Everyone left screaming.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..