Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.