looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.