Meow?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
“Huge”.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”