The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
airing out the snack pack
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.