Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Stonehinge
I can’t deal with men any longer
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.