Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*