I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Kermit goes Blue.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
What’s so funny?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
