I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem