The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.