I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked