Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by