It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.