Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?