Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine