Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
He is just living hist best little life 😊