Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.