Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Awwwww shit.