Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
He-man has a Masters degree
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.