Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry