A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Sunday
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
i did the math
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Nice try Hitler