Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I have questions??
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
the dark web is just a goth google.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.