The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!