My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.