Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Hello Twits.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Ok who’s got my black socks?