I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires