PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Phonetics
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher