When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Probably my best painting.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying