ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Girl, same.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.