“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Bill is short for Billiam
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.