[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
u spoke cat all this time??????