Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.