I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.