My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
oh u like geography? name every lake
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Morning my dudes.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park