Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
All. The. Damn. Time.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home