Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed