You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself