The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Gemma Correll
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.