Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Ron is short for Aaronald
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away