Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction